Cancer. It’s a word I’ve heard before. I’ve had friends, colleagues, and family diagnosed with cancer. Some suffered little. Others suffered greatly. Some recovered. Some did not. Now it is my time to receive this diagnosis.
I have to admit, it’s been a surreal few weeks. What started as back pain that radiated to my abdomen turned into a hospital stay, multiple scans, two biopsies, and now a diagnosis. There has been a great deal of “hurry up and wait” that is now quickly transitioning to plain old “hurry up!”
I broke down in tears shortly after the first time I heard the words, “the scans show a mass…” It was supposed to be an inflamed disc from lifting that darn cooler or pancreatitis that would go away after a few days on a restricted diet. It wasn’t. More scans revealed multiple lesions on my liver. A liver biopsy was ordered and the results came back “positive for malignancy…” But God is a good and there was a great peace in that moment.
About 20 years ago I bought a DVD of Fr. Stan Fortuna, CFR, titled “Everybody Got 2 Suffer.” I enjoyed his music and thought I would enjoy the DVD. Little did I know that it would include a ten part breakdown of St. John Paul II’s 1984 apostolic letter “Salvifici Doloris” (“On the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering”). Little did I know then how much I would fall in love with this document and our Catholic teachings on the redemptive power of suffering. The topic quickly became a passion of mine and has worked its way into many conversations, my previous parish ministry, and talks both on the radio and in person. My friend Mary Ann mentioned that maybe it wasn’t God giving me this love to share with others so much as it was Him preparing me for this moment in my life. I’m starting to think that’s true.
We were gathered as a staff to pray the Rosary on Monday morning about an hour before I received confirmation of malignancy. There was a great peace about two thirds of the way through our prayer. I remember thinking “God, if this cup can pass, by all means, please let it pass. But if cancer is the cross I receive, please give me the grace to carry it well. Please give me the grace to walk with You on the Way of the Cross.” That’s the attitude I pray I can keep throughout this journey. The Way of the Cross may not be pleasant, but it is beautiful.
So am I ready? Not really. Are we going anyway? ABSOLUTELY!