TL:DR Version: I’m having brain surgery!
PRELUDE
Before I begin this update, could I ask you to pray for CL & family? CL is undergoing cancer treatments and her family could use your prayers.
THE MEDICAL UPDATE
A few weeks ago, I shared that I was hospitalized after a new mass was discovered in my brain following an ED visit due to some concerning symptoms (mild paresthesia of the face, new migraines, moderate to severe vertigo). The four weeks between discharge and last week’s follow up MRI were easily the longest four weeks of my cancer journey. It’s a rather unsettling thing to have an unknown mass in your brain and for the plan to be, “let’s wait and see what we see on the next scan.”
Well, last Friday marked four weeks. Beth and I had an atypical day date: she drove me to get an MRI, we went to lunch at Bread Co., and then rounded out the affair by chatting with my neurosurgeon. We went through the images, discussed the options, and walked away with more questions than we had at the beginning of the appointment. We decided to wait another 4-6 weeks, scan again, and make a decision about surgery at the next appointment. We knew we had some questions we wanted to ask my oncologist before making a decision on brain surgery.
We met with my oncologist this past Tuesday. We talked through a few different possibilities. It’s fair to say that Beth and I walked into the appointment confident that I would elect to have the craniotomy offered by the neurosurgeon, the only questions were how any potential cancer spread could affect the timing. We walked out of the oncology appointment ready to call the neurosurgeon and proceed with scheduling the craniotomy.
It still gives me pause to think about it. I literally messaged someone this week to say, “I would like to have a doctor cut open my skull and operate on my brain.”
When will it happen? I do not know. It is all in the hands of the schedulers at this point. We anticipate mid to late April, but that’s just a guess based on what was said at my recent appointments.
Unintended Conversations
One of my favorite saint quotes comes from St. Philip Neri who said, “Find joy in each day.” As weird as this decision has been, it has led to some fun conversations in our house. I was sharing what’s going to happen with the kids and went into some detail about the procedure. At some point, a portion of my head will need to be shaved to allow surgical incisions. The kids are now debating whether I should only shave the portion necessary, shave the entirety of my head, or shave the sides and keep a mohawk. God has provided a generous amount of joy and laughter in the midst of everything.
Finding God In the Midst
I’ve been thinking a lot about a quote that my dear friend Fr. Wade Menezes, CPM, shares frequently in our radio conversations. “The God who willed to create you without you, does not will to save you without you.” (attributed to St. Augustine)
I wouldn’t fault anyone going through a journey of suffering for asking why a loving God would allow this suffering to happen. Nor would I fault them for asking how God can use this for salvation. I’ve even had times in prayer when I’ve asked “God, are you there? Do you really want to heal me?”
The Book of Job is a great example of a few things for us to remember. Sometimes we suffer as a consequence of our choices. Oftentimes, we do not. Sometimes God permits us to suffer, but then works through that suffering for our redemption. How? We do not always know. In fact, God gives Job a fairly stern reminder that God knows the plan and that there are things happening that Job has not seen. But Job has a choice to make. Does he trust that God is at work?
You and I will encounter that same choice in our sufferings. Why has God allowed me to have cancer? I do not know. Why has He allowed this mass to grow in my brain? I do not know. How will He work through what lies ahead? I do not know. But I have glimpses of what He has been about while I’ve been in the thick of it all. I have not been alone.
God gave me a choice last April: “Do you trust that I can transform you through your medical journey?” Through some grace I said, “yes.” He has responded generously to that “yes.” His grace has better focused me on the call to sainthood than I’ve ever been in my life. My time with family and friends has taken on new and deeper dimensions. What about you? Do you trust that God is working through the difficulties in your life?
I recently spoke with a friend of Michelle Duppong and asked how she thought Michelle would respond if God offered to take away all of the suffering of her cancer journey, but at the cost of losing all of the lessons and personal transformation she received from Him as a result. Her friend firmly believed Michelle wouldn’t make that trade. Through God’s grace, everyday brings me a new understanding of why she felt that way and why I wouldn’t make that trade either. It’s been difficult, but the fruit of what God has done far outweighs the cost.