Neuroendocrine Cancer Update
Let’s start with the good news. I met with my new oncology team this past Monday and we reviewed my most recent liver MRCP scan. Another three month interval has elapsed with no growth of tumors and stable disease in the liver metastasis. This is most welcome and incredible news in light of my other recent adventures. Stable disease with no growth may change our approach to treating the liver tumors in 2025. The tumor board will meet in the coming weeks and I am on the list of patients to discuss.
Brain Update
The brain mass adventure has taken a few twists and turns since my hospital discharge. My care team is leaning more towards cavernous malformation of blood vessels than metastatic tumor, but nothing has been ruled out. Certain symptoms have been worsening and ultimately necessitated a “just in case” visit to the ED at Barnes Hospital. This was an adventure and we would be happy to never go through it again.
There is a concern that I had some mild partial seizures over the weekend and on Monday (hence the ED visit). They have adjusted my meds and we continue to watch and wait until the follow-up MRI in mid March. In the meantime, I’ll be taking more naps as drowsiness has been the biggest side effect of increased dosage.
A Moral of the Story
A great lesson in all of this has been the reminder that a time will come each day where I end up saying “I can’t.” Whether its lack of energy, unpleasant levels of nausea, or destabilizing vertigo, something happens each day that pushes me to my limit and I have to stop. This can be difficult to say out loud. I struggle with pride. I don’t want to admit that I cannot do something. But let me tell you a little secret: when your body reaches a point that it cannot overcome, no amount of pride is going to change the reality.
Have you ever heard the Gospel story of Jesus asleep in the boat as the storm raged in the surrounding waters (Mark 4:35-41)? I think of a talk I heard at the National Eucharistic Congress last summer. Sr. Bethany Madonna of the Sisters of Life gave a beautiful talk in which she shared an experience of the Lord “asleep in her boat.” Sister shared how a priest saw her in tears and asked “Sister, is Jesus asleep in your boat? … Do you know what St. Therese would say? ‘Get Him a pillow.'”
It’s great advice for all of us. If I truly believe that God is working through my suffering, then I should remember that He will continue to work even when I cannot. The world will still spin without me, but it will not continue to spin without Him. Letting go may not be easy. Seeing my “to do” list get longer due to my inability is not fun. Perhaps I should not only get Jesus a pillow, but grab an extra one for myself! Any time spent in prayer is not wasted time. Laundry needs to be done, but it won’t get me to Heaven without Jesus. Jesus can get me to Heaven without laundry.
So what is it you need to let go of right now? Have you spent some time thinking about your priorities and commitments? Every “yes” we say to one thing usually requires us to say “no” to something else. Is something pulling you away from your core mission of holiness? How can you adjust your schedule to make sure the urgent isn’t crowding out the important? I urge you to spend some time pondering this each day and don’t be shy about making adjustments as necessary. And when things get overwhelming, don’t ever be afraid to grab some pillows for you and Jesus to rest together in prayer.
(photo: “The Storm on the Sea of Galilee” by Rembrandt, 1632)