From my previous post
“It’s been a while since we’ve had an update. I thought I would take advantage of feeling decent enough to write one and do just that. I am going to split this into two posts. This one will focus on the medical situation. A second post will focus on the emotional/spiritual outlook.”
This is that second post
Where Things Stand
One of the difficulties I, and many others, face in times of turmoil is the uncertainty of what will happen next. Wouldn’t life be at least a little easier if someone could say with 100% certainty, “this is what will happen next and this is how you will react and move on from it”?
I have been blessed by an overabundance of prayers from family, friends, colleagues, school families, radio listeners, neighbors, and more! I have lost count of how many times I’ve been enrolled in the prayers of religious orders and cloistered communities. Masses and rosaries have been offered for me and my family. All with one common request of God: healing.
I shared in my medical update earlier today that I had an MRCP (detailed MRI) scan on Saturday to prepare for surgery to remove the tumors on my liver. The surgeon requires the most up to date information so that she can best prepare for what will happen in the operating room.
The way I see it, there are three distinct outcomes from this scan: 1) a miracle has occurred and the tumors are gone (how amazing would that be?!); 2) the therapies have worked and the tumors have not grown since my first scans in May; or 3) the tumors have grown in number and/or size.
It has been important to me that I write this post before I receive the results of this scan. I’ve been blessed with the graces of detachment and trust. It’s not that I want the tumors to have grown or that I am opposed to a miracle. I wanted to say this out loud. I have a desired outcome, but I trust that God can and will work through whatever circumstance He wills (either through His positive will or permissive will).
I was joking with a friend recently that “I definitely would not recommend cancer to a friend.” But I would recommend that a friend not run from the crosses that we carry in life.
Cancer has taught me a new degree of detachment from the things that really don’t matter in life, for no other reason than I just don’t have the time or energy to give to them. I’ve had to prioritize everything in life because I spend more time feeling sick than I do feeling well.
Cancer has taught me to be thankful for the moments, no matter how brief, where I do not feel sick and to not waste those moments.
Cancer has taught me new depths of St. Ignatius’s Prayer for Generosity, in particular “to give and not to count the cost.” If something is worth doing, it may take a heavy toll on my energy levels or impact my health through nausea, cramping, fatigue, etc. Then again, it may not. There are no guarantees. There is no conditional giving (“I’ll only do this if I can guarantee I won’t have ill effects…”). I’m either giving with no guarantees or I am not. End of story.
Cancer has taught me to slow down and savor the moments of grace in life. Whether it’s as simple as time spent holding hands with Beth, watching the kids play, entertaining conversations around the dinner table, or a moment of quiet watching the sunset, it has been a gift not to waste these moments.
I could go on, but I must return to the business of the day (it is also a gift that I have the energy to do so). I will leave you with one last thought.
Cancer has radically helped me to refocus my end goal: heaven. I firmly believe what the Catholic Church teaches about creation, humanity, and our ultimate calling to be with God in Heaven. If it weren’t for this supernatural view, the sufferings of cancer would seem like a waste. But with this supernatural view, the Cross is a gift if it helps get me closer to Heaven. I’ve said many times on my radio show, “you can’t get to Heaven unless you’re willing to walk the Way of the Cross. It’s non-negotiable.”
If there is a miraculous healing? Praise God that He gave such a gift. May He be glorified by it! If there is not? Praise God that He has given a Cross to help draw me closer to Him.